(no subject)

[ladydiskette]

 Title: TGWTG Reviewers Assemble

Author: LadyDiskette
Summary: Loki is attacking Chicago and all his Frost Giants have been dispatched, now its up to the heroes to save the day, but where Hostess Fruit pies failed, can the Little Debbie Snackcakes restore order?

Pairings: Not a lot but as implied in the movie, implied Lupa/Pheleous as their respective superhero characters
Warnings: PG - Whacky violence and hijinks, nothing too heavy, but some slight cursing. 
Word Count:  4,597

 

A/N: Special thanks to Butterflyslinky for beta-reading this. I wanted this to be kinda funny and light-hearted since the months that I started this fic I was hit with some heavy depressing stuff in my life and so I thought for my own sake to write this as a comedic, funny story. I hope you all like it. From aunt zelda's TGWTG+Avengers RBB fanmix, please comment and enjoy. :)

In a huge building, upon the top floor, was a radio studio where a group of pod casters talked about the morning geek news. Just as they were finished with the headlines and were about to get to today's subject of the Batman v Superman movie (and the apparent short sighting of Wonder Woman) there was suddenly a large trembling sound felt around the studio. Outside, the ground trembled and people clutched to the ground huddled in fear. This was particularly bewildering, since this area wasn't prone to earthquakes.

 

What was happening!?!?!

 

Over the radio, people tuning in from the pod cast could hear Dr. Gonzo speaking through the rumbling, “Ladies and Gentlemen, stay calm. It seems as if we're experiencing a slight earth rumble please stand by-”

 

“Earth rumble?” RolloT retorted, “This is not a slight earth rumble, someone set off the fucking 'douchquake' alarm!”

 

“Oh crap, take cover everyone!” YRoT cried, as the cracks started to open on the ceiling and burst apart causing the pod casters to take cover under the tables and desks.

 

A tall slender dark-haired man in a green and gold robe with a horned helmet and a long scepter floated down through the hole in the ceiling, his staff glowing ominously and his lips parted in a evil grin.

 

“Well now, this should be adequate for my message, and what luck, a few little couriers to help me spread around my desire of world domination...whether they want to or not.” The man chuckled darkly as his feet landed on the floor.

 

“Who are you...you look familiar have we seen you somewhere before?” Dr. Gonzo asked curiously.

 

“Oh you will soon, as my slaves!” He raised his scepter and fired a bolt of green energy from it straight at the head pod caster.

 

Dr. Gonzo was pushed out of the way by one of the pod casters before it could hit him, creating a dent in the wall behind him. Loki levitated to his feet, the scepter still glowing. He then glided over to a microphone that was still on and spoke into it.

 

“Attention world! This is your new ruler...I go by Loki, and from this day forth, you will all BOW-” the mic cracked with feedback “-before me! I will have complete and utter loyalty and subjugation from this earth and whoever so is listening, or else...My Frost Giants will show you what happens when you cross me! And to prove I am serious....here they come now!”

 

He dropped the mic and raised his staff in the air, shooting another green beam up into the sky and opening a swirling blue vortex up into the air where large white ice-covered giants started to emerge, fifty feet tall, and with every step was a shattering quake. Buildings began to crack under the weight and cars were overturned as people down in the streets below ran like hell. The pod casters watched this from the windows horrified.

 

One of them turned around sharply to Loki, mixed with anger and fury.

 

“We can't let him get away with this,” Brian, the pod caster for comic news said, “We have to stop him!”

 

“Right,” Dr. Gonzo said, “You, me, Y, RolloT, and John all together now! Get him!”

 

They ran simultaneously at Loki with their fists clenched ready to kick his ass, but these mere mortals were no match for a God! He grabbed Brian just as the man got close enough to punch him in the face and threw him over a desk and then swung his scepter at Y knocking him back flat on his ass. The Trickster God summoned a long green rope from his scepter and threw it over John, tying him up before he could come at him, stopping him in his place. The Horror Movie pod caster struggled but could not break thing. Loki couldn't believe how easy it was to curb these mortals; the police and national guard will be easy pickings if they fought as well as these humans.

 

While Loki was internally gloating, the girl podcaster TheCat had a fire extinguisher, sneaking up behind him ready to bash him over the head.

 

“Hey pretty-boy! How about some deconstructive face surgery!” she shouted, ready to smash it against his head.

 

“I don't think that would be a wise choice if I were you,” he smiled, taking off his helmet and turning around to face her, “but I would like to see you try if you dare get close enough.”

 

She let out a little “Eeep” sound upon seeing his oh-so-youthful and handsome face and the way he stared into her eyes. Yikes! This guy was hot! I mean...okay he was a freaking bad guy but wow look at suave distinguish demeanor and holy crap the green of his cloak brought out his eyes beautifully and......crap.

 

“......I think I heard my ovaries pop!” She squeaked as she fell for his evil enchantment and swooned to the floor passed out dropping the fire extinguisher out of her hand.

 

Loki laughed evilly and turned to leave once more when RolloT stood in front of him.

 

“Hah, the jokes on you buddy! It won't work on me, I am a guy and I don't have ovaries so you can make your fangirl inducing swoon faces as much as you like and it won't work on me and-”

 

Loki ran his fingers through his long black hair.

 

“..........and....stand there with that magnificent wave of sexy long manly hair that I am so jealous of and...” He suddenly heard a popping sound inside of him, whoever this 'man' was, he somehow made ovaries magically appear inside of him just for the sole purpose of popping them. That fiend!

 

“How the hell did that just happen?” He asked himself, before he collapsed from sure imaginary ovary-popping swooning.

 

No one was safe from Loki's powers of enchantment!

 

With the epic swooshing of his mighty cloak he left the radio room with the podcasters passed out and immobile, ready to take over the world and destroy those who got in his way with his army of frost giants!

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

 

Meanwhile in a SHIELD headquarters in Chicago

 

 

In a large black meeting room, That Other Guy gathered his team of The Avengers together for a emergency meeting.

 

“I am glad you are all here!” he said, “It seems that according to a radio station frequency we've got word that Loki has arrived and plans on taking over the world, starting with Chicago. He has sent his Frost Giants down and they are wrecking havoc on the population below! You all know what to do!”

 

Sitting around the table was Captain Britain, Black Widow-Lupa, Phelous-awkeye, Dr. Insano, Iron Linkara, and Nash-Thor, getting a briefing of their new mission. For some reason, no one could wonder why That Other Nick Fury was a white guy with a eye patch instead of the black guy with the epic booming voice like before, but Iron Linkara said it was probably due to retcon and not to question it.

 

“We have just received word from Agent Tara and her men that Chicago is being rampaged by a legion of large icy blue giants going around crushing buildings and making everyone's day suck,” he said, taking out the remote and turning on the TelePrompters on the wall revealing all the scenes caught from camera footage and news reports of monsters stomping around downtown Chicago and a huge black vortex in the sky.

 

“As of now, the police and natural guard have been called in but it is causing only a small dent in their counterattack...Yes Linkara?”

 

“Just may seem....off the top of my head, but have they tried Hostess Fruit Pies to curb the invaders off?”

 

“We have,” Agent Tara said coming in, “Unfortunately, that plan backfired on us, when they were not eating the Hostess Fruit Pies and going back to smashing buildings they grabbed some of the soldiers and policemen off the street and crushed the fruit pies over their heads making the hot sticky processed fruit filling run down their uniforms and stain their clothes....it was horrible....most of it was the cherry pie kind....impossible to get out of cotton...”

 

There was a gasp of horror that filled the room.

 

“Wow,” Lupa said in shock, “not even the Hostess Fruit Pies stopped them? That is impossible, what kind of creatures are we dealing with? Hostess Fruit Pies have always stopped Villains and Terrorists before!”

 

“Frost Giants...they don't eat fruit pies...at all,” answered The Other Guy grimly.

 

“Well they need to be stopped!” A blonde young man in red, white and blue armor said speaking up, “We can't allow these intruders to tread on us, Fruit pies or no fruit pies! FOR AMERICA!”

 

“Aren't you British?” Phelous-awkeye replied out of the blue.

 

“Aren't you Canadian?” Captain British replied back in snark.

 

“Touche”

 

“Ladies, ladies you're both beautiful!” Agent Tara said, “especially you Captain British, but time is of the essence!”

 

“Right, let's curb stomp these Giants! Oh the curb stompings there we will be!” Black Widow-Lupa said excitedly.

 

Spoony twitched. “Well, if I must bring Dr. Insano out, I must, though I warn you, once he emerges, he is hard to pull back in!”

 

“Don't worry, Dr. Insano,” Iron Linkara said smiling, “We will come to that road when we get there....”

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

The team ran out taking their positions, Iron Linkara taking the aerial approach firing at the Frost Giants in the head, while down below, Captain British helped the police and national guard evacuate the trapped citizens frightened and scared. Black Widow Lupa and Phelous-awkeye fought the monsters on the ground side by side as partners.

 

“Did you remember to bring the explody arrows this time?” Black Widow-Lupa reminded him.

 

“Yes, and I remembered to bring some backup arrows just in case!” He fired another one.

 

“Because remember what happened the last time we had to fight and you screwed us over with your '12 arrows a limit in your quiver' rule?”

 

“Oh come on, that was only one time-” He fired an arrow into the ankle of a Frost Giant. “Plus, I told you, it's a safety hazard if I put more than 12 arrows in there!”

 

“By whose orders?” Black Widow Lupa asked while firing her guns, “S.H.I.E.L.D?”

 

“Um...no....just a little rule I made up.....uh, INCOMING!”

 

They moved out of the way of the Frost Giant slamming his big fist down at them, reaching a safe point before it left a large dent behind them. Black Widow Lupa quickly climbed up the fire escape ladder and reached a angle to fire at the Frost Giant's head She fired multiple shots at it near the eyes, hitting one and blinding it. He let out a large growl and, covering his injured eye, ran off.

 

“It's getting away!” Lupa said.

 

Phelous-awkeye nodded and fired an arrow that trailed behind a long thick metal cord. As it flew, wrapping itself around the giant and causing it to trip and fall on the ground, Black Widow-Lupa did a sprint kick at the creature's face, while Phelous picked up the arrows on the ground, making a mental note to himself to get arrows that magically came back to him.

 

Suddenly, Lupa heard a young damsel in distress let out a horrifying scream. She turned and saw a young brunette girl with long curly hair get grabbed and picked up by another Frost Giant. They had to save her!

 

“Phelous, get over here! We have a damsel to save!” She cried, but he was too far away to hear her picking up the rest of his arrows; there weren't a lot in his quiver for this rescue operation.

 

Well, I guess it's up to me! She thought, reloading her two guns and rushing over.

 

“Hey! ICE BUTT! PUT THAT GIRL DOWN!” She opened fire, shooting at the Frost Giant's middle with amazing accuracy. The bullets went right through his torso, causing him to bleed blue blood, but still the monster wouldn't go down.

 

“Hmmm, I wonder if I tried the old fashioned sure fire method...” She thought to herself, and then fired both guns at the Frost Giant's crotch.

 

The creature fell to his knees, but he still kept gripping the girl, his hostage, knowing Black Widow-Lupa's presence and that she was after this puny female human. He stood still with one hand trying to stop the bleeding in his crotch and the other still holding the beautiful young woman. Lupa took another source of action. She grabbed the grappling hook gun from her belt and shot it up in the air. The hook embedded itself into a gargoyle statue overhead and she placed the grappling hook gun back onto her belt, pushed the button, and hoisted herself off the ground up to meet the monster face to face with both guns pointing square between his eyes.

 

“Okay, shit face...EAT BULLETS!” She fired the guns into the Frost Giant's head, blue blood splattering everywhere as the bullets tore through its brains, and dribbling out from it's ears. In pain, the creature let the girl slip through his fingers as it fell over dead.

 

“Hang on!” Black Widow-Lupa cried as she grabbed the rope and swung over catching the girl in mid fall before she hit the ground.

 

On cue, Lupa pressed another button while they went swinging, detaching the rope from the hook and Lupa sailed down the ground holding the woman protectively as she did a tuck and roll along the ground away from the dead monster, she took a deep breath and stood up holding the woman bridal style in her arms.

 

“Oh god, thank you! Thank you so much!” The woman cried wrapping her arms around Lupa's neck in a hug, “you are so brave, and smart, and kick ass and beautiful, and best of all you saved me!”

 

Black Widow-Lupa set the woman's feet back on the ground.

 

“It was no trouble at all, are you okay?”

“I am now! Are you a superhero?”

 

“Kinda, I am a S.H.I.E.L.D Agent and super spy, our superpower is able to fire two guns at once with 110% aim and accuracy.” Lupa said, “And look bad ass while doing it.”

 

“Oh, I am still so grateful!” The young woman sighed dreamily.

 

Black Widow-Lupa saw that look, that look every girl gets when rescued by a Superhero in this verse.

 

“I am flattered, and you are nice and all, but alas, my heart is true to one man....and there he finally comes now, took you long enough!”

 

Phelous-awkeye rushes over with all his arrows he picked up back in his quiver ready to fight the...already dead Frost Giant and save the woman.

 

“Oh, uh...sorry it took so long,” he said sheepishly.

 

Black Widow-Lupa nudged the woman away to hide somewhere better away from the Frost Giants before going over to Phelous.

 

“It's okay,” Lupa assured him with a bright smile, “The girl is saved, and next time around I will let you save the next '-in distress' person. Okay?”

 

“Thanks Lupa!”

 

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

Down below, Iron Linkara and Spoony were staring down two Frost Giants messing up City Hall.

 

“Okay buddy....you know what I have to do right?” Linkara looked at his friend worriedly, he hated having to do this to Spoony, pulling out the one thing that activated his rage levels, but if it means unleashing Dr. Insano to fight the Frost Giants, he would make it up to him later.

 

“Okay...sorry to do this....” He took out a thick package and pulled it, the one thing that would make Spoony bring out the raging Dr. Insano inside.

 

“Look what I have Spoony....” He pulled out FF8 and waved it in front of him.

 

“What!?!? What are you doing with that? THAT IS THE STUPIDEST WORST GAME EVER AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! TITUS IS A WHINEY, PRE-PUBESCENT, NASUALLY VOICED, SCREECHY LAUGHING, FROST-HAIRED DYED, BACKSTREET BOY REJECT, FROM SOME STUPID ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WITH THE MOST BACK ASS DUMBEST GAME CALLED 'BLITZBALL' I HAVE EVER SEEN AND-” He stopped meekly “-Spoony go 'smash' now?”

 

“Yep, Spoony go smash.”

 

“SPOONY GO SMASH!”

 

And before Iron Linkara's eyes, Spoony transformed into Dr. Insano!

 

“MwaNehahahahahaha! FEAR ME AND MY POWERFUL DESTRUCTION OF SCIENTIFIC PORTIONS!” Dr. Insano cried, firing electrical shockwaves from his fingers at the giants.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

Meanwhile, Thor-Nash and Captain British saw Loki hovering in midair, commanding the Frost Giants and waving his long golden scepter around. Thor circled his hammer around, and grabbed Captain British by the collar, flew up to the very top of the building closer to where Loki was, and landed Captain British down gracefully, standing beside him.

 

“Loki! Brother! Stop! Stop this carnage and come home!” demanded Thor-Nash.

 

“Thor, Thor, Thor, how many times do we have to play this old song and dance?” Loki smirked. “As you can see....my place is on the throne of Asgard ruling BOTH the realm and your pitiful earth...and if I can't have one I will destroy the other!”

 

“That is so villainous it makes no sense!” exclaimed Captain British.

 

“Aren't you suppose to be American?” Loki stopped and said, staring at him.

 

“Well, you have a posh British accent just as hard as I do and yet you're a Norse God..so we're even.” Captain British shrugged away. “Now, surrender, and we will go easy on your with our always constant, tried and true-when it works half of the time-American justice system!”

 

“YOU'RE BRITISH!” reminded Loki.

 

“That is it!” The boy exclaimed, “I am sick and tired of everyone saying that I can't be Captain America because I am British! I AM the one Steve Rogers passed the suit on, I AM the one that trained day and night to master this suit, fight in it, and carry this really heavy shield, I AM the one that had to go through the drug testing, AND I AM THE ONE that will kick your ass and defend this city and my AMERICAN friends from your reign of terror...!” He ran at full speed. “SO, ENGLAND! FUCK YEAH-!”

 

With a huge leap, Captain British jumped up and with the full strength of his force, punched Loki right in the face, causing him to fall backwards into a building behind him, crashing inside of it and laying in a heap of rubble. When he shook the dirt from his eyes, he saw Captain British landing on the edge of the hole the Trickster God created smashing through it.

 

“How dare you punch a God!” He yelled, “You will pay, with children's blood on your hands!”

 

He fired his green laser beam at Captain British, who blocked it with his shield. It reflected off the metal surface but onto a nearby Frost Giant under Loki's command.

 

“Go! Destroy the children scattered among the city!” Loki screamed.

 

A group of little kindergarten kids were huddled in a corner, crying and scared as the Frost Giant made its way towards them letting out a frightening growl. Thor flew up to Loki in a plea to spare their lives.

 

“Brother! Stop this! They are just little ones with snot dripping down their noses...verily!”

 

“Then your little blond, blue-eyed pretty boy should have known better than to piss me off!” Loki said. “And you dear brother, will pay dearly for turning your back on me!”

 

“HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US!” The toddlers screamed.

 

The Frost Giant leaned down to grab these little tasty morsels when suddenly bolts of lightening and thunder streaked across the sky. This made the children frightened even more, especially since some of them were so afraid of lightening storms, this was the WORST DAY EVER and now they were going to get eaten!

 

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-!”

 

Suddenly the bolt of lightening struck down between the toddlers and the Frost Giant and there stood a man, with long wavy hair, a winged helmet, long red cape and leather armor with a mighty hammer. He swung the hammer and smashed it against the Frost Giant's hand, with a deafening bone crunching sound heard a minute later.

 

“Captain British!” Called out Thor-Nash, “I will protect the little ones, you distract Loki!”

 

The toddlers stared out in wide-eyed wonder, who was this strange man made of lightening come to save them!?!?!

 

“On it!” Captain British saluted and went in to battle Loki.

 

Thor-Nash swung his hammer around and flew up, locking eyes with the Frost Giant. It let out a mighty roar in the Norse God's face, but Thor-Nash roared louder right back at him. The god was having none of this shit and took the hammer and crashed it right into The Frost Giant's face, making him fall over backwards dead. As he landed on the ground with a mighty sound, the children cheered and ran around him, giving him hugs and thanking them in their cute little voices.

 

“Thank you for saving us mister!” One said with a bright little grin.

 

“Yeah, thank you, I am not scared of storms anymore now!”

 

“Your hair is long and pretty,” said another one, “just like Mommy's! What kind of hair conditioner do you use?”

 

“All your hair product questions will be solved,” said Thor-Nash, “but first, I must take you to safety, follow me, teeny tiny Midgardians!”

 

Thor-Nash flew with the children following behind as fast as their little legs could carry them.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

 

Iron Linkara flew up and surveyed the damage. As tough as the TGWTG Avengers were fighting, there was no way that they could fight them all. The Hostess Fruit pies didn't even work...what if.....No, it was crazy! But desperate times called for crazy measures. It was now or never!

 

“Dr. Insano, keep the Frost Giants grounded while I make a call!” He shouted, turning on the communication inside his helmet to contact Pollo.

 

A robotic sound was heard, much like one of those old Apple Macintosh electronic voice-overs.

 

“Pollo, activate the autopilot for Louvag's Copter, and meet me in the middle of downtown Chicago bringing a huge factory full of Little Debbie Snack cakes, immediately!”

 

“What kind Linkara?”

 

“All of them, not one overlooked, and hurry!”

 

The TGWTG Avengers continued their battle. The Frost Giants were strong and mighty; with Loki's power, they never stopped, even when Loki was locked in battle with Captain British, he commanded the Frost Giants to go after The Avengers and attack them with everything they had. Black Widow-Lupa fired her guns and Phelous-awkeye his arrows, Thor-Nash upon taking the children to the police men for safety flew up and started bashing their brains in, while he and Dr. Insano fired concentrated missiles of SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY at them, when two would go down, there would be three more in it's place.

 

Back in the command room, That Other Guy and Agent Tara watched grimly.

 

“I know what you are thinking and no we are not giving the okay to nuke this city,” That Other Guy said. “The last time I let you do that, we lost half of the retirement population in Florida, and Georgia and Alabama now have coastal beaches!”

 

“Trust me sir, nobody missed it....” Tara replied quickly.

 

“We will win this out!”

 

A call comes in through the speaker on the desk.

 

“Sir, a helicopter from Louvag industries is coming in and its carrying......a factory full of Little Debbie Snackcakes!”

 

Agent Tara and That Other Guy exchanged glances.

 

“WHAT!?!?!”

 

Outside, two large sleek back helicopters flew in carrying a Little Debbie factor, lasers come out of the side of the helicopters, shooting at the bottom of the factory building, dumping a few pieces of metal machinery and SNACK CAKES OF ALL KINDS! AND DELICIOUS CONFECTIONARY DELICIOUSNESS!

 

The cakes floated down and hit some of the Frost Giants still standing on the head. They picked up the Snack cakes and took a bite. Smiles reached their faces and they sat down and nommed on all the snackcakes to their little hearts content, savoring the processed sugary cakey insides and yummy whipped cream frosting. Loki broke away from his battle with Captain British to fly over and berate them.

 

“What are you doing?” He screamed. “Taking a lunchbreak! Get up and destroy the city! I command you!”

 

One of them flicked him out of the sky and into the ground while eating his meal.

 

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh-” CRASH “-......ugh.....stupid frost giants!”

 

Iron Linkara flew among them, seeing them enjoying the snackcakes among themselves.

 

“You guys want more...there is plenty more where that came from!” At his orders, the second helicopter tossed the rest of the Little Debbie Snackcakes into The Vortex, causing the Frost Giants to get up and follow them in there, Thor-Nash flew down and puts Loki into a choke hold, making him watch as his plans of destroying the city with Frost Giants were thrawted.

 

“How could I have lost to processed sugary snackcakes?” he moaned. “I thought this was a normal Marvel verse?”

 

“Nope,” Iron Linkara said flying down. “Not everything is as it seems, as you will see here...also the creator was probably in a ironic twist mood lately. He is all yours Thor...!”

 

“Gladly, come our Mother will give you such a smiteful disciplining too, as well as Father!” Thor-Nash said, dragging him off.

 

“How did you know that would work Linkara?” Phelous-awkeye asked. “I mean, the Hostess Fruit Pies didn't do squat!”

 

“Well, I figured that every monsters taste is different, and if the Hostess Fruit Pies didn't work on them, we had to go with the 'darkhorse' in the matter and bring out the Little Debbie....hopefully it didn't get that bad that we had to pull out the cheap knock off, Dollar General brand treats.”

 

~*~*~*~

 

The Vortex closed...and the giants were eliminated. Loki was dealt with, and The TGWTG Avengers helped clean up the city. After a couple of hours, they gathered together, wiping the sweat from their brows.

 

“Excellent work guys,” Iron Linkara said. “Well, since we managed to save the day with about minimal to few casualties compared to Superman when he last saved Metropolis, how about we celebrate with some schawarma?”

 

“I verily agree!” Nash-Thor said happily, “Come we must feast!”

 

“I am up for that.” Dr. Insano said murmuring happily, “I've always wanted to try and conduct a experiment with my taste buds on this foreign delicacy that I've never tried before...”

 

Lupa nodded eagerly, “Great, lets go then!”

They all excitedly headed to the restaurant, but when they got there, they find that the entrance was locked and there is a sign that said “Closed for Repairs. Sorry.” They stood around and let out a collective groan of disappointment.

 

Oh well, there would be other times, at least the world was safe again...

 

The End